jesssenk

Cleaning fries my brain.

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 21:58:31 GMT

Today Trenton and I cleaned his room. It took HOURS!!! Mostly because I had to use the damn timer to get him to do it. I'd set it for fifteen minutes and tell him what to put away and then when the timer went off I'd set it for ten and that was his break time. Then I'd set it for five minutes and tell him that it was hyper mode and he had to clean as fast as possible and then..another break. I found the timer really helps get him going but who knows if it'll work next time I want him to do it...he likes to keep me on my toes. Xavier passed out on Trenton's bed and between the cool breeze coming in the window and the sound of the dripping water from the snow melting off of the roof I totally wanted to pass out myself. Trenton's room still isn't 100% but he's really proud of it so I'll ignore the stuffed animals shoved under his bed for now. Plus...like I said...cleaning fries my brain. My head feels like it's full of oatmeal or something.

Yesterday I cleaned out the storage area in the coffee table and this cradle that we used to keep Xavier's diaper changing things in...and again...fried noggin. I made a little filing cabinet type thing for all of the paper work that Trenton comes home with. I thought it was pretty cool (for a cardboard box with files in it lol) but Trenton was so not interested. It's fine...it'll keep me sane...ish...

Now I want to zone out and stare at the wall for the rest of the night. I don't want to think about cleaning or organizing anything. My brain was not made for organization.

Women with Attention Deficit Disorder

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 19:54:01 GMT

This was cross posted on punkymoms

Okay this is really wordy but I'm excited about this.

Yesterday my mom gave me this book to read. Never in my life have I felt so understood no...never in my life have I understood myself as much as I'm starting to. Seriously I'm not done with it yet but every time I read it, it makes me realize so much more about myself and just makes me want to cry. Parts of it are written like a story and it follows the life of two different girls with ADD one with the hyperactive part and one without. It talks about how often young girls go undiagnosed or get diagnosed with depression instead because of the stereotypes that people put on girls. The girl with the hyperactive part may just be thought of as a tom boy or a typical chatty little girl and the girl without may just be thought of as a shy daydreamer.

I swear, when I read the story about the girl without the hyperactive part it's totally my life. Growing up I was always the sweet shy girl with the messy handwriting, desk, backpack, room.......everything. I started out with straight A's and as I got older and the classes involved more studying, preparing, organization....my grades got worse and worse. I'd always hear "she's not living up to her potential" and I was always trying to come up with some sort of system to stay organized but I could never stick with it. I'd take notes in class and go back to them later and they would make no sense because I'd write abbreviations or one word thinking that I'd know what I meant when I go back to read it later. Nope. I'd self medicate with coffee thinking that it was helping because it was keeping me awake, not realizing that it was really helping me focus. There are so many things in the story that she wrote about the girl without hyperactive that just sent my mind back to certain times in my life. I could replace my name with that girl's name and every word of it would be true.

It's a weird feeling...it makes me sad and angry that I didn't know about this until I was in my twenties. It makes me wonder if I would've done better in school if I knew and everyone else around me knew that it was ADD and not just me being a slacker. I had good intentions...they just never ended up working out the way I wanted them to.

On the other hand, it's kind of a relief to read that the things that I hate the most about myself...are caused by a neurochemical disorder and it's not just me sucking at life. Okay I do suck at life...but I at least know why now...

There are certain things that I've done that I can say ugh that's the ADD. This book has told me so many more things that I never even realized were part of it and it really makes sense. Plus...the book is written in short sections so it's not hard to read rofl.gif

I'm not done with the book yet. I guess she goes on to talk about ways to live successfully with ADD which I'm really looking forward to reading. I have the meds, now I need to start working on the behavioral aspect of this. Once I'm done reading it I'll write more if anyone is interested...even though this is super fricken long....I'll try not to write this much lol

I do recommend this book for women that are ADD or women who are disorganized and depressed and think they may be. So many women say "I can't be, I'm not hyper" but not everyone with it is hyper. It's two extremes. In the book she calls the kind I have "ADD without" meaning without the hyperactive aspect. The book was written a while ago and now I think that the kind I have is ADHD inattentive. It makes me lethargic. Not hyper.

Boo Hiss

Sat, 22 Dec 2007 17:06:21 GMT

There are a lot of things going on at Josh's work. They are moving a lot of people into one building instead of two. Josh does computers so that means...if the people move so do their computers. This means that Josh has been working late nights and weekends for the past couple of weeks. It just sucks. Christmas eve is Monday and he's at work right now. He might even have to go in tomorrow. I think he has to work the weekend after Christmas and he has to work a half day on Christmas eve as well. He's on salary so he's not making over time. I don't know if they are going to come up with some type of compensation but I sure hope they do. They really deserve something after sacrificing all of the time that they should be spending with their families right now. We usually do presents at home on Christmas eve morning since our days are so packed. He's going to be at work this year so I think we're going to have to do it tomorrow evening instead. He's burnt out and I don't even think they are halfway through all of this bullshit. I've been leaving the house with the kids to do Christmas shopping and things like that and I don't even think he minds. He needs time to sit in the quiet house alone and chill out. I'd like to see him though...I feel like we are just crossing each other's paths in the morning and at night. We usually talk about our days together and I feel like we haven't even really done that. I can't wait until this is all over with and his schedule goes back to normal. I feel like we don't really do much together normally but now that he's got this crazy schedule I realize that we really do. I'm off to clean...the house is a mess. At least that can be one thing he doesn't have to worry about right now. I wouldn't want to come home to a disaster area after working a billion hours a week.

I'm off

Root Canal...yeah...I'm nasty. (a novel)

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 20:33:20 GMT

I had to get a root canal yesterday morning. I was kept awake by a tooth ache Sunday night and went in on Monday morning to get it checked out. Well it turned out that I needed a root canal and it was a tooth that was on top and in back so they wanted to send me to someone else that specialized in teeth that are hard to reach. They said they'd call me and sent me home with some Tylenol 3. I didn't think I could handle it but I tried it anyways. I ate a big meal and took one. Not the best idea. I didn't puke...as long as I stayed perfectly still and didn't talk much. If I did that, I would get motion sickness and start to feel sick. I got through Monday but Tuesday wasn't pretty. Thankfully they scheduled the appointment for 8:00 yesterday morning so I didn't have to go too long with a tooth ache. Normally I don't mind the dentist too much. I figure that's just about the only time that I get to lay still in a chair and not worry about anyone but me. If I'm sleeping at home I always have to keep one ear open for the kids...not at the dentist. It's like nap time...with someone drilling into your face. Okay not the most relaxing thing in the world but you take what you can get.

Yesterday, not relaxing...not so much. I'd go as far as to call it torture. Yes torture. More so psychological than physical but torture none the less. We'll start out with me, who is not and has never been a morning person waking up at 6:30 so I can leave by seven to get to the place they sent me to by 8:00. I get lost, it's my thing...I generally try and leave with enough time to allow this so there you go. Me out the door at seven in the morning. This has not happened in a long time. I'm not a fan. So...I drive to the office. A lot of the drive was on this road that wrapped around a lake. It was dark out still and very foggy. I was sure that it was a beautiful drive when it was light out but with the darkness and fog I just felt like I'd been placed smack dab in the middle of a bad horror flick. I arrive to the office a half hour early! Go me for not getting lost! I go in and tell the woman at the desk (who is way too fucking perky for any time of the day let alone 7:30 in the morning) my name and information. She then tells me that I am 45 minutes early and to have a seat. 45...minutes early? ahm...nice. Well apparently I'm the only one they told to be there at eight. Everyone else thought I was showing up at 8:15. Sweet. So after reading a magazine twice and watching numerous people show up after me and be called back before me, my name is finally called. I'm not bitter, I know they fit me in 'cause I'm nasty and needed help fast.

I go in and she asks me to remove my monroe because it's on that side of my face. I suppose I should've thought about that but I didn't. I asked her for some pliers...she just looked horrified and dropped the subject. Note to self: ask for pliers every time. So he's working on my tooth. Lucky me, I get to be practically upside down with my head in a headlock the whole time. They also put one of those awesome dental dam (teehee) things on so I couldn't breathe at first and I couldn't have gas (boo!) So it was just him at first and that was fine with me. The conversations that dentists have with their assistants always weird me out. Why is it that they always feel the need to talk about their relationship problems, delinquent children, or gossip about co-workers while I'm sitting right there? Well that didn't last for long. In comes the assistant and they begin to chit chat. Then he says, and this is where the psychological torture comes in....

Dentist: "I have a question for you, I'm trying to figure out a word in English and I can't. I know your English is good so maybe you can help me"

Assistant: "yeah my English is pretty good what do you want to know?"

D: "if you are in your car and you are driving and it's running but then it breaks down it keeps moving because of....?"
A: "....there's a word for that?"
D: "Well yes, in Italian we call it "in-er-tee-ah"
A: "oh geez I don't know I've never heard of a word like that!"
D: "huh...well I am just trying to figure out what intertia is in English"

at this point...my head is about to cave in because I want to yell IT'S FUCKING INERTIA but I have all this crap in my mouth and I can't. Sooo I point to the dentist and give him a thumbs up and then he goes "oh! Do you know what it is? Are you Italian? *reads my last name* oh that sounds like an Italian name... what is the word?"

me: "inertia" but it doesn't sound like inertia...it sounds like uhn-ewww-xa with all of the crap in my mouth and all of the water and crap that is pooling up on the roof of my mouth since Miss Suction thingie was too busy staring off into space wondering what the fuck inertia is...so they give me a pen and a pad of post it notes so I can write it down for them...because apparently this is something that had to be done RIGHT NOW...no...not the root canal...that can wait. We need to know what the English word for inertia is. So I write "Inertia sounds like in-er-shee-uh"

D: "oh...same thing...huh..."
A: "oh my god! I've never even heard of that word!!! You guys are all like into science and stuff! That was never my thing.."

She then goes into great detail about how much she used to skip high school and how bad she was as a kid. This is not what I want to hear a professional talk about while working on my teeth. Sorry...no thanks.

So I try and spare myself and zone out for a while until someone calls in to tell the dentist that he has a phone call...so he gets up and leaves to answer the phone. Wait what? Don't mind me....I'll just be laying here practically upside down. No worries. Honestly I don't usually like to complain about things like that. Usually when people ask me if I'm doing okay I'll say I'm fine but I was getting really uncomfortable. My jaw was killing me, I was feeling lightheaded and kind of queasy from having to lay with my head lower than the rest of my body for too long. The whole thing really just made me start to panic almost. They were both gone for a really long time. I kept trying to squirm different ways to make myself more comfortable, I tried to kind of pull my head up a little with my hands so it was more level with the rest of my body, I tried tapping my fingernails in hopes that someone would remember the girl in the corner haha. Finally she came back and was like "oh do you want to sit up a little bit?" Uh...yeah! So she moved the chair so I was sitting up a little more and then finally he came back about ten minutes later. I asked how long it was going to take and they said about fifteen minutes. How do dentists understand what you are saying with all that shit in your mouth anyways? Sooo back upside down I go. My jaw was still killing me. He could tell something was wrong and asked me questions and finally asked the golden question "does your jaw hurt?" YES! So he put one of those rubber block things in between my teeth so I could bite down and not have to hold it open on my own anymore. aaahhh relief! I was fine after that...my jaw wasn't hurting as bad and they were actually doing stuff so I was okay.

Then the talking began again... *cue Prince song*
D: "This is Prince, I know that..."
A: *blink*
D: "I used to think he was gay"
A: *blink blink*
D: "well...I guess I don't know if I was right or not. He was the one that changed his name to that symbol right? Of the male and female symbol?"
A: "oh you must be talking about Michael Jackson, that guy's changing his name all the time"
me: *tries unsuccessfully to choke herself to death with the tiny bib thing*

It took a lot longer than fifteen minutes because they couldn't stop the bleeding (awesome) but they finished up and sent me home. I was so relieved to have it done but I was sore. I'm feeling much better today and I'm so glad it's all over with. I really hope that I don't ever need a root canal again. That was brutal.

The ride home however without the fog and darkness was gorgeous! I'd like to go back there sometime just to take pictures. It's pretty out of the way though so I'm not sure if that's going to happen. We shall see.

Snow + Kids = Snow Covered Jess

Thu, 13 Dec 2007 16:34:19 GMT

I've been driving Trenton to the bus stop for the past couple weeks because it's been so cold. It's been pretty much around zero most of the time. That kind of cold just hurts. Josh drove my car to work this morning and it was around 20 so we walked today. The little girl from across the street started walking with us and her and Trenton threw snow back and forth at each other all the way to the bus stop. Somewhere along the way he decided it would be a good idea to throw a snowball at me. He got me right in the back. All of the other kids stopped with "oh shit" looks on their faces like they thought it was going to piss me off. I laughed and threw one back at him. Big mistake! I instantly became target practice for several of the kids at the bus stop. I told them it was fine as long as they got me in the back because I had the baby in the sling in front of me. They were really good about making sure they stayed away from the baby. Their tiny hands aren't good at making snowballs...especially with gloves and mittens on so they have learned that it's easier to just pick up one of those hard chunks of snow and chuck it at you instead. Little stinkers play dirty! It was really fun though. I have been so lethargic lately I haven't really been super playful. I feel really bad about that. Trenton is such a fun guy. I think that these new meds are going to be good for us.

Trenton and I played Uno on Tuesday night. He was so sneaky. Every time he'd get a wild card he would pick the color that he had draw two cards in. He also knew that I didn't have any red cards so he picked that a lot too. Of course I'd make a big deal out of it like "awww man not red again!!!!" and then I'd have to draw more cards and he'd laugh so hard. Xavier just watched us and laughed every time Trenton laughed. It was so cute. Xavier thinks Trenton is the best.

weeeeee

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 16:27:29 GMT

Today is day one of Adderall. I feel hyper and giddy. He said that it would be this way for a few days until I got used to it. I feel like I should be watching Mystery Science Theater 3000 right now and laughing my ass off. I don't know how the focus thing is going...I guess we'll see. I'm not irritable so that's good. I've been really irritable lately. I've also felt exhausted. That's gone for the moment as well. If this settles down and I fall somewhere in between what I am feeling right now and how I was feeling before I will be a happy camper.

What Do You Have To Say? - My Favorite Winter Activity

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 16:24:44 GMT

What is your favorite winter activity?

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My favorite winter activity is probably getting all of the blankets in the house and putting them on the floor in the living room. Then making hot cocoa and snuggling with my guys while watching a good movie.

Today is the day

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 15:35:49 GMT

I sat here for a while trying to figure out how to open this post...this isn't something I talk about all the time. I only talk about this to people that I really trust and everyone else gets the fake me. I started this thing for a reason though...I need a place to be me. Really really me and not "make everyone else laugh to hide your hurt" me. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist today. Time to talk about meds. I have been on different anti depressants for years but none of them have really worked. Turns out I have ADD too. Or...ADHD inattentive. I didn't believe that at first. I'm not hyper...in fact sometimes I wish I were. I imagine my house would look a lot better. Most of the time, because of the depression I guess I can hardly stay awake all day. If I didn't have kids I'd sleep for weeks. That's what I did before kids when I felt low. Wake up, work, sleep. Over and over again. Nothing but work and sleep.

I've been doing some reading on ADD and yeah...that's me. It really surprised me. It's weird to find out that there are certain things that you do or certain ways that you act that aren't "you" and something causing you to do that. Especially when you find out in your twenties. I've always been this way. I dropped out of high school because I was this way. So...maybe just maybe...things would've been a lot different for me if I would've known back then that this was going on. That kind of blows me away. That's really frustrating.

So this all came about right around the time we wanted to start trying for Xavier so they didn't want to give me meds for it. I guess you're not supposed to take add meds while pregnant. So Xavier was born about eight months ago. Last month I went to the doctor to get meds. She decided that since I have tried three different antidepressants and they haven't worked, that I need a combo of a couple of those and add meds and she wasn't comfortable doing that. Sooo off to the psychiatrist.

I don't know what to expect. I think I'm expecting too much. I'm expecting this new me to emerge that doesn't suck at life. I'm scared that not much will change and I'll have to just accept the fact that it's going to take a lot more work than popping some pills to be the responsible adult that I want to be and not the unreliable space cadet. The kids are taken care of. always. It's like I'm looking through a tunnel and that's all I see. Take care of the kids. Nothing else seems clear. Nothing else stays in my head. Bills don't get paid. Errands don't get run. Phone calls don't get made. Cards don't get sent out. Favors aren't done. Promises aren't kept. These things...enter my head and don't come back. Not until its the middle of the night and I'm lying awake in bed. Then they all come back at once. Swirling around my head. I wake Josh up over and over "hey baby, will you please remind me to..." "hey baby don't let me forget...".

So today is the day...

What Do You Have To Say? - You Make Me Feel Like Writing

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 09:29:23 GMT

What inspires you to write?

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Thoughts swirl through my head like a tornado. The only way to get them out is to talk about them or write about them.

Sparkly Girliness

Sun, 09 Dec 2007 01:40:11 GMT

I went to a Body Shop party tonight run by my friend Steph and hosted by my friend Emily. It was a really fun time. We talked and laughed and they let me put makeup on them. I felt like I was thirteen all over again. I don't really do things like that very often these days. Not with other people at least! I suppose I look like I've just walked out of a crazy slumber party with all of the eye makeup I wear most of the time but that usually just consists of me locking myself in the bathroom so Trenton doesn't play with my make up while I...play with my makeup.

Sometimes I envy people with best friends but I don't know...I'm so wrapped up in my family that I think that anyone that was up for the job would end up feeling pretty neglected. Most of the time at the end of the day I just want to sit in silence and try and do something creative. Or sit with Josh and watch a movie. Something really chill. I think back to the days where I was really social. Always out and about...I wonder how I got through those without my head exploding. I hardly want to leave the house sometimes these days.

Speaking of leaving the house! We got some free tickets from Target for this sleigh ride concert. Target sponsors these concerts preformed by the Minnesota Orchestra and you can get tickets to them for free. I thought Trenton would love that. I however can't find the tickets. I'm awesome.

Okay then

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 03:04:34 GMT

I guess I'm late to this game. I've never been on live journal before but I saw a few clothes reconstructing communities that I thought looked cool so here I am. I'm guessing this will be random and pointless. I.Q.'s will most likely be lowered from reading this...you've been warned.